tv Late Night With Seth Meyers NBC August 27, 2015 12:37am-1:37am EDT
new england patriots tight end rob gronkowski said last week that he only read about 80% of his new biography called "it's good to be gronk." he only read 80%. even worse, he said he has 40% to go. [ laughter ] a director for the show "law & order." anyone here watch "law & order"? [ cheers and applause ] a director for the show "law & order" was arrested yesterday on child pornography charges -- [ audience ohs ] but i don't think he did it, because it's never the first guy they arrest. [ laughter and applause ] never the first guy. angry birds 2, the sequel to the hit smartphone game is now available in the app store. in the sequel the birds take liam neeson's wife. [ laughter ] [ liam neeson impression ] i'm coming for my wife, birds.
pigs, will you help me? will you help me get my wife back, pigs? [ laughter ] while being pulled over for a dui in arizona, an exotic dancer kicked one police officer in the chest, spat on another and repeatedly fondled the genitals of a third officer. they decided to arrest her after a 2-1 vote. [ laughter and applause ] the university of phoenix -- the university of phoenix is under federal investigation for deceptive -- deceptive business practice. e university of phoenix is under investigation for deceptive business practices. so if you went to the university of phoenix, deceptive means sneaky. [ laughter and applause ]
and finally, i don't know if you saw this, a shortstop for the new york mets started crying during a game this week after hearing rumors he may be traded. wow. usually players only cry when they get traded to the mets. ladies and gentlemen, everybody the 8g band. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: yes! everybody, that is the 8g band. and joining the 8g band, he's done a great job all week for us on drums, brad wilk. thank you so much for being here, brad. [ cheers and applause ] ite 's been a delight having you. thank you for joining us. you guys, we have such a goo show for you tonight. she is on the show "the good wife," she just recently received two emmy nominations, christine baranski is here this evening. [ cheers and applause ]
the great christine baranski. he is the weekend update anchor on "saturday night live" and he just wrote the film "staten island summer," he is one of my very good friends, colin jost joins us this evening. [ cheers and applause ] also, tonight, we're going to have stand-up from a very funny man michael kosta is with us on the show tonight. [ cheers and applause ] now before we move on, on monday of this week, the u.s. olympic committee announced that it was withdrawing boston as a potential host city for the 2024 summer olympics after boston residents overwhelmingly turned against the plan and essentially told the olympics to get lost. for a closer look at this story, it's time for a piece we're calling "new england scram chowder." [ cheers ] >> seth: initially, many were enthusiastically behind the bid including governor charlie baker, mayor marty walsh and john fish the leader of the organization boston 2024 who said at a news conference
announcing boston's selection in the most boston way possible -- >> i'm wicked excited. and boston's wicked excited. [ laughter ] >> but in order to host the olympics, boston needed to sign a city contract that would guarantee taxpayers, boston taxpayers, would pay for all cost overruns. now, how often do the olympics experience cost overruns? according to a paper from th university of oxford, 100% of the tite. [ laughter ] and not just a little bit. in london, for example, the initial bid for 2012 summer games was $6 billion. thcafinal cost $18 billi on, about $14 billion of which came from tax payers. russia spent $50 billion on the sochi games, compared to original production cost of $12 billion. that meant they went $38 billion over budget despite spending zero on shirts. [ laughter and applause ] in fact, the average cost overrun for the games since 1976 is 252%. to put that in perspective.
if you inflated usain bolt's 100 meter time of 9.63 seconds by 252%, his time would be 33.89 seconds and he would have finished behind late night writer john lutz. [ laughter and applause ] >> i won! [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: the bid became so debate was held. andrew zimbalist a critic of the bid, said the ma h was unrealistic. claiming, "most of the numbers i see reflect drunken optimism." when everyone who has been to boston knows, it's a city that only exercises drunken pessimism. [ laughter ] [ boston accent ] and i'm never going to see honda again. my honda is as good as gone." [ laughter ] another point of contention in the public debate, was the fact ioc board members would have exclusive access to special vip highway lanes that would be did not sit well with the op lposition. >> so while the rest of us are sitting in traffic, the princess of lichtenstein and prince of monaco should be having special lanes?
>> seth: for a bostonian the only thing worse than sitting in traffic, would be sitting in traffic while someone from out of town drove bytyou. someone who, you had a sense, thoughh they were better than you. should also be noted, that princess of lichtenstein sounds likeadhat a boston guy would call a girl who cut in front of him at the bar. [ laughter ]te[ bostongaccent ] "ah, sound the fanfare everyone, her highness, the princess of lichtenstein is on the premises and she needs her mojito." laughter ] eventually sensing the change in public opinion, mayor walsh refused to sign th ciyo agreement and the usoc pulled boston from contention. now some were disappointed boston lost olympics like thomas j. whalen, a political historian at boston university who said, "this decision has shown the city to be a parochial back-water." hey, boston isn' past do you know what they built at m.i.t. this. >> the cheetah is the fastest four-legged animal in the world. then, we would like to make our robot run fast, like a cheetah.
>> seth: a robot [ bleep ] cheetah! [ laughter and applause ] you know, do you know, can you even begin to un itand'ow hard it is to ma a robott eetah in boston? [ laughter ] first of all, everyone thinknd'yoe'reod" ing a nobotic "cheater." [ laughter ] [ boston accent ] "what do you mean a robotionc eater for? oh, does it deflate the footballs? [ cheers and applause ] that's smart. that's smart, 'cause then the robot gets suspended." [ applause ] that's the great thing about ston, they're the past and the future. paul revere, rob h cheetahs, therone thing that neverochanged through the yet ars, they wo you take a bad deal frmm outsiders they don't trust, which is all them. in fact not taking a bad deal from outsider .s.the very reason boston exists. come on, olympics, they dressed up like indians because they didn't like attacks on their tea. did you think they were going to stand by while you made them pay $20 billion for the privilege of having a javelin contest in their town? [ laughter ]
moving forward ioc and usoc are left with many questions to answer. do they try to find a replacement host city? is the lure of hoisting an olympics no longer a risk cities are willing to take? but more than anything else, boston has forced them to answer this question. >> how do like them apples? [ laughter ] >> seth: this has been "new england scram chowder." we'll be back right back with more late night. [ cheers and applause ] choosing a wireless plan can be complicated. so verizon madesone simple pthlan with four sizes that you can switch at any time. small... th medium. large. and extra large. if you need less data, pick small. if you need more, go with extra large. a whopping 12 gigs for $80 a month and $20 per phone. one plan, four sizes.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everyone. our first guest recently earned a pair of emmy nominations for her work on two of television's biggest shows, "the good wife" and "the big bang theory." please welcome christine baranski. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: how are you? >> i'm well, how are you? >> seth: i'm so good. you know, i see you, you walk out here. i think you're one of the most graceful people bknow. you're one of the most elegant people i know, which is why -- you know i'm going to keep going. but then -- [ cheers ] last year -- last year i hosted the emmys.
[ cheers and applause ] you can either say that i have been nominated 14 times or that i've lost 13 times. [ light laughter ] >> seth: yes. or you could say you'r an emmy winner >> i say i'm victorially challenged. >> seth: now -- >> not a loser. i'm not a loser. >> seth: no. of course. everyone -- it's an honor just to be nominated. >> it is, and i've gotten really good at this. because you know, at first you win, and then -- okay, i won the first time for a show called "sybil." and that was fabulous. >> seth: you're on a 13-emmy loser streak. >> yes, i am. [ laughter ] i'm going to that susan lucci place where people begin to pity me. >> seth: o wonderful. >> no, the first time i was nominated i won. and i barely sat down in my seat and my name was announced. and when you're a supporting actor, it's great. because you get it over fast. you know that you've won or lost. you can head to the bar. you can relax, you can kick off your shoes. >> seth: exactly. >> so that's a factor.
but it is lovely to win. but i've hadtmany successive losses. and i've learned -- really i've got it down. >> seth: now -- because they cut to you, of course. you're on screen when you hear you didn't win. and you feel like you've perfected this? >> indeed. >> seth: i'd like to practice real quick. >> oh, okay. [ laughter ] >> seth: i'm going to read off another nominee in your category, just to help you practice. just in case. and i don't think this will happen. i think you're go ng to win. but um -- "and the emmy goes to -- christina hendricks." >> oh! [ applause ] i love her. [ laughter ] oh! [ applause ] >> seth: that is really, really good. applause ] >> i love her. just in case they cut to you while she's making a speech -- >> seth: oh, so you can't quit. >> you can't look down. you've got to like, keep being really happy. >> seth: okay, so now it's like a minute into her speech. she's like, "i wan to thank the whole team of 'mad men,' i couldn't have done it without you." you're really -- you're still really good at this. [ laughter ] >> and it's really nice when the winner then says "it's such an honor to be --" you know, you've got to wait for that, where they
"i can't belreve i'm in the same category as --" grcuateful, it's more, "i love [ laughter ] no, it's okay. >> seth: are you -- when they don't mention the other nominees, do you kind of in the back of your head remember and that." >> i'll remember that one. [ laughter ] >> seth: i've heard -- is this true that you -- because it took me years to wise up to this, but i got on this train as well. you started bringing booze? >> i did not. i don't want that on the record. i'll tell you who did, though. [ laughter ] because he won't mind if i say so. >> seth: okay, good. >> this year as well, alan is noinated for his supporting -- >> seth: alan cumming. the great alan cumming. >> alan cumming. and a few years ago he was nominated, and he sat right in fron of me. and he turned to me before the show and said, "i've got a flask of vodka here as soon as we lose." [ laughter ] i remember him passing this little vial of vodka.
so when i heard that he was nominated, my e-mail to him was, "bring the flask." [ laughter ] >> seth: right. there you go. i'm gonna try to find you guys this year. >> i hope i' sitting next to him or near him. but no, i've learned honestly to have -- it's a great opportunity first of all to wear something beautiful, to celebrate everybody's work. you run into fabulous people. i had a wonderful conversation with jon stewart waiting in valet parking and he had just won his 50th emmy. i'm exaggerating, but n.t by much. [ laughter ] everybody basically waits in valet parking to go to the next party. >> seth: it's great, because it is a nice thing where you win an emmy and you still have to wait for your car with all the losers. [ light laughter ] >> win or lose. >> seth: win or lose. >> win or lose. and actually if you're a winner, you might be way more grumpy about your car not arriving. whereas if you're a loser -- >> seth: yeah. >> of course the car's not here. [ laughter ] where's the flask? >> seth: i can't believe they're not making me take a bus! >> where's alan? [ laughter ] no, i've learned to have a great
time. win or lose. >> seth: once you decide -- it's not that i say it doesn't it's more like, "oh, i'm definitely not winning." that's a better place to go. >> i'm almost terrified they will someday say my name, but it's a nice problem. your show is so wonderful because it's in new york. new york. one of the things is that it can draw on all the talent in new york. and there's so much broadway talent on your show with alan cumming, and nathan lane, and you have so many people who are wonderful singers. >> i know. and you know, the broadway singers, the people who do the broadway musicals, they love coming on our show because rightfully they wan to prove that they can also be dramatic actors. >> seth: right. >> so you could be in court and there is like this group of people you say "why don't we all do a musical number right now?" [ laughter ] it's like, alan cumming and nathan lane and danny burstein was on just the other day on the show. he's about to do "fiddler on the roof." kristen chenoweth. laura benanti.
>> seth: so you're saying there should be a musical episode of "the good wife." >> i think it can only be done in a fantasy situation. [ light laughter ] because otherwise, like whoa. >> seth: there you go. otherwise -- >> alicia maybe has sort of a dream sequence nightmare christmas party where diane starts singing sondheim, and kristen chenoweth, and you know we'd get all these great performers. >> seth: you have to do this. >> we have to do it. maybe as the end draws near, we will just -- >> seth: right. and then she'll go to the doctor and say "i had this dream." and the do or will say, "you're dying." [ laughter ] "that's why." now, your daughter is a lawyer. >> she is a lawyer. >> seth: my wife is a lawyer. now you -- this is interesting to me because you're on a television show where you play a lawyer. sometimes now when we watch legal things, my wife will pipe in on what is accurate, what is not accurate, and i'll pipe back that i did not ask for the dvd commentary. [ laughter ] but do you -- does your daughter feel like your show is very accurate? is she impressed?
>> she actually is. she loves the show. she won't let me tell her plot lines because she's far behind. so she says, "don't tell me. don't tell me." but she's been appreciative. and any lawyer, anyone in the legal profession will know that there's law and there's tv law. in tv law every case goes to court and is wrapped up in about five days. >> seth: yeah. [ light laughter ] >> most cases don't go to court. and when they do go to court, it can be a really protracted, very complicated process. but the people who have approached me who are lawyers or in the legal profession, i'm very proud of the fact that they say, you know, it really -- "yes, we understand that it's tv law but it's so intelligent and the cases are compelling." they deal with contemporary issues. and it's a really, really smart show. and we're in our seventh year and it's smarter than ever. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: congratulations. it really is. it's something to be proud of. and you have something else
that's very exciting to be proud of, and this was on twitter. i know you know about this, but i wanted to make sure everybody else knows about this. earlier this year, sarah silverman tweeted that her boyfried, actor michael sheen -- who's a wonderful actor, i think. so you like his work? >> i love him. >> seth: i like his work. so this must have been even nicer for you. actor michael sheen named his penis -- "the great christine baranski." [ laughter ] [ applause ] was that just such a thrill? >> can you imagine my walking down the street, and somebody's on the cell telling me this? i was just like -- it's kind of jaw dropping. but i'm going to take it as a compliment. >> seth: yes. [ laughter ] >> i've decided -- he's the leading man in a show. he's a fabulous actor. >> seth: fabulous actor. >> the name of the show is "masters of sex." >> that would mean great >> seth: absolutely. >> seth: yes. [ laughter ] >> great performer. >> seth: yeah. >> long-lasting career. [ laughter ] very versatile. right?
[ cheers and applause ] you gotta turn it in a good way. >> seth: yea, and i've got to be honest, every year you go to emmys, 50, 60 people win emmys. you're the only person this year who michael sheen named his penis after. and i just think that's better. >> maybe it will help me win an emmy. >> seth: maybe it will help you. >> i don't know how i will react when i actually see him. >> seth: yeah. >> because i don't -- i'm not sure i've ever met him. >> seth: right. >> but i -- you know. "how is it going?" or -- [ laughter ] >> seth: remember, his eyes are up here, christine. >> we've never really met. thank you so much for being here. such an honor. christine baranski, everybody! [ cheers and applause ] we'll be right back with
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, everybody. our next guest tonight is an emmy nominated writer and comedian who you know from his work on "saturday night live," where he serves as both co-anchor for "weekend update" and as one of the show's head writers, his first feature, "staten island summer," is currently available for streaming on netflix, please welcome to the show my very good friend colin jost. >> seth: hi buddy. >> how's it going? >> seth: good, it's so fun to see you.
such a delight to have you here. >> so nice to not have a desk. >> seth: yeah, i know. once you get out from behind a desk, it's really fun. >> yeah, people know you have legs. it's great. >> seth: they know, yeah. people when they see me, they always say i look taller than they think. >> they've never seen the lower half. >> seth: that's because they have never seen the lower half. >> you're double the height i thought you were. [ laughter ] >> seth: you haven't been behind a desk, of course, because it's the summer. >> yeah. >> seth: no "snl." >> yeah. >> seth: last show, may. >> yeah. last show was may. >> seth: i remember people would ask, me this question all the time. are there news stories that you have been bummed out you would have missed. >> well, there's a man that's running for president now. >> seth: gotcha. [ laughter ] oh right, scott walker. >> scott walker. [ laughter ] everyone is talking about scott walker. [ laughter ] donald trump, fascinating. i -- here is the thing. donald trump, i have to say i have a real affinity for donald trump. >> seth: yeah, you're pro trump. >> i wouldn't say pro trump. [ laughter ] i used the word affinity. >> seth: yeah, okay. york. and, i feel like when you grow up in new york on some level you love donald trump. i think even when you're like, "i hate trump."
him. [ light laughter ] he's like the new york post or something. like, if you don't love the new new york city? [ light laughter ] >> seth: there are other cities with regular newspapers. >> exactly. but we have the post. and we have donald trump. and donald trump is -- idiot." that's what i keep hearing. "trump's an idiot." and i feel like, donald trump is not an idiot. he's an incredibly smart man. there are no idiot billionaires. like, no one's like -- you remember that kid tommy growing up, kind of slow? billionaire. [ laughter ] >> seth: that never happens. >> people upset at trump because he's a polarizing guy. but i don't think that's bad. there are other good examples of that. i feel like he's a lot like bane from batman. [ laughter ] >> seth: you have a real affinity for bane. >> huge affinity for bane. [ laughter ] you know, they both have great voices. [ light laughter ] they both dress interestingly. [ light laughter ] and i feel like bane made people choose sides. he came to town and he's like paraphrasing --
[ bane impression ] "gotham, we need to do something about the immigrants." [ laughter ] i don't want to put words in bane's mouth. >> seth: i think if bane was watching right now, he would say, i don't think i've ever talked with that little enthusiasm. >> it's amplified, the whole thing in a microphone. [ laughter ] i feel like he's making people in a bane way either, be with bane let's burn this place down! or to rally and be like, we need to stop this man. that's a good thing. >> seth: we need to get the cops out of the sewer. wher te they somehow all got trapped. >> exactly. [ laughter ] >> seth: all the police were in the sewer. >> are they still there? >> seth: i can't remember. i do remember they trapped all the cops in the sewer. they said, "hey we're in the sewer." and all the cops went -- >> "let's all go!" everyone, every man. >> seth: and then one cop was like, oh i got bad news. [ laughter ] think it's a bane trap. [ light laughter ] >> also like bane, donald trump will definitely appear at a football game at some point. >> seth: yeah. at halftime -- like he'll walk out for a halftime show. so, this is your first year doing update, right? >> yes. first full year.
>> seth: i always thought you would be a natural because you've been doing a lot of on camera work your whole life. >> i had some kind of more hard news experience. >> seth: yes. >> before, earlier in my career. >> seth: this was sort of like a crossfire type debate show, would you say? >> yes, i was on, it was called "news and views." and it was a fairly hard hitting crossfire style, fairly intense debate show. >> seth: and you have a clip. what were you debating? >> the clip, we were debating a subject called "is sports and shopping ruining sunday family values?" >> seth: okay. >> and i point out i'm the second debater in this. >> seth: you're the second debater, okay. >> so you'll hear chris lobato, you'll hear his stance and then you'll hear my response. >> seth: okay, great. here we go. let's take a look. >> we still spent the day together, go to the mass together and have dinner as a family. but we can also interact at the mall, or sports arena can we not?
>> no, chris, we cannot. [ laughter ] there are no laws about being a family. but i do feel it is a part of life that we must experience. if we are not together on sundays, we are missing out on some of the most precious moments of our lives. [ laughter ] where have our values gone when a father is working, a mother is shopping, and the children are at their friends' houses? [ laughter ] this may be a typical day but this is not what sunday should be about. [ laughter ] however, it is what sundays are becoming. and i, for one, am deeply disappointed. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: i will say -- the whole time -- the whole time i was watching that clip, i'm saying that is a kid who is deeply disappointed. [ laughter ] >> and disappointing, yeah. >> seth: and you -- i like that you grew into your head over the years. [ laughter ] your head was the same size then as it is now. >> you always wanna start wide. and just let it grow. and then some legs grew out of there.
and then -- oh, my gosh. i love also that they went to us to talk about sports. >> seth: yeah. probably know about sports. [ laughter ] and i talk about it. i'm like, "this is like sundays like i've worked a full work week. i've come home, my wife is shopping. [ laughter ] >> seth: look, you were a tiny full grown man, that's what i >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> seth: when we come back, i want to talk about your new movie "staten island summer." thank you so much for being here. we'll be right back with more from colin jost. [ cheers and applause ]
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: welcome back, we're here with my friend colin jost. so you are from staten island. >> i'm from staten island. >> seth: proudly from staten island. >> proudly from staten island. people always ask are you sure you're from staten island? i'm very sure. very happy. >> seth: very sure. you wrote this movie called "staten island summer", which is sort of semi-autobiographical. >> i grew up on staten island. basically the only thing i did every summer was -- i would swim. i would go to the swim club with my friends. and that was the community thing you did. and i was a lifeguard there. and i should say i was lifeguard with a lot of quotes around guard. >> seth: gotcha. >> i was not -- when you work at a swim club and you work at a pool -- you never -- like the
closest i came was a kid was standing in 3 feet of water and was like, "i think i have a cramp." [ laughter ] i was like oh, my god, are you okay? he's like, "yeah, i'm going to swim it off." [ light laughter ] so there's lifeguards -- there were lifegaurds there were all kinds of delinquents. and i was a very nerdy lifeguard, cause i was also interning -- >> seth: wait, the kid from the debate? [ laughter ] no. no. >> i know. this is -- i know this is a shocker. that kid that should've been the first kid killed in "the godfather"? [ laughter ] i was read -- i was also interning at merrill lynch. >> seth: oh, wow. >> the classic combo -- of lifeguard, merrill lynch intern. i was sitting in the lifeguard chair and i would be reading economics textbooks in the chair. also, they don't encourage [ light laughter ] >> seth: yeah. that's a no no for lifeguards. >> that's a no no. so there's lifeguards who were kind of ineffective and then there were maintenance kids. that was like the divide. lifeguard and there were lifeguards were kind of like bums.
maintenance kids were psychos. [ laughter ] >> seth: okay. >> full -- like yes, we have a friend that would like takes the dead frogs he found in the filter and fire them out of the leaf blowers. [ laughter ] just like launch them out of the leaf blowers. and then we had -- you know there's a scene from the movie -- >> seth: imaging if you're a frog and your father passes and you're trying to get over it. >> yeah. >> seth: and they're like, where is he? he's in the filter. >> he's in a better place. >> seth: then you're telling the family. and then like -- >> i guess you're like -- we had a hornet situation. we had a lot of hornets around the swim club when i was a kid. and so the maintenance kids would devise plans to get the hornets. >> seth: yeah. >> they started like simply. we'll just put a jar of honey in a tree. i don't even know that hornets make honey. >> seth: even if they did, they wouldn't go to honey. [ laughter ] >> no. like they would show up and go, our job is done.
we're gonna go elsewhere. thank you they don't eat it. let's go get in here. started out and it would escalate. and they would eventually -- there were some real like flames with spray can. stuff. [ light laughter ] so fred armisen in our movie plays one of these maintenance people. and bobby moynihan plays a lifeguard. and there's always a lifeguard he should have been. [ light laughter ] he plays a guy like 35. and he's still like, this is where i should be. yeah, good. so, this is we have a scene that's the two of them where they are interacting. fred has now decided to take it up a notch and deal with the hornets. and he brings some jet fuel. >> seth: gotcha. >> and he explains right before, he explains his cousin works for delta so he gets free jet fuel. [ laughter ] that's his explaination. >> seth: alright. let's take a look. >> victor, how are you doing? >> unstoppable.
>> word. >> hey, i just want to let you know we're having a staff party this saturday if you want to come by. >> oh, really? you're inviting me? like, consider me part of the staff? >> yeah. [ laughter ] of course, man, always. the party? i'll do an ice sculpture. you know, like an angel? >> no, i think we're good, man but thank you. >> i'm going to make you an ice >> oh, no you don't have to, man. i think we'll be okay. we're going to have food and weed and stuff. >> i'll make you one. >> we don't need an ice it's summer, it will melt pretty fast. >> huh? >> it's ice, so it'll melt. >> do you want one? >> no. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: so it's in staten island. you actually shoot scenes in your parents house? >> yes. all the interior scenes were shot in my parents house. >> seth: and your parents were played by jim gaffigan and kate walsh. were they happy, were they happy with the portrayal? >> they were incredibly flattered. my mom, was like, oh my god, kate walsh. and my dad is a huge gaffigan
fan of standup. and my dad was very excited because he was a stand-in and his arm was used to replace jim gaffigan's arm. [ light laughter ] and he's been pausing it to show all of his friends. "you guys, look at the arm!" [ laughter ] >> seth: they're here tonight. the jost's are here tonight. let's say hi to your parents. here they are, yeah! [ cheers and applause ] your brother casey. you and your brother casey play cops in the movie. i was going to ask if you felt like the mayor of staten island when you were making a movie there but not compared to your brother, right? >> people will come up to me and me like -- "oh, my god are you colin jost?" i'll be like, yes. "do you know casey jost?" [ light laughter ] yeah, he's like my brother. "oh, my god, can you introduce me?" i was like no, i can't, we're on bad terms. [ laughter ] i feel like the order is pete davidson first, obviously. pete davidson. >> -- casey jost, then colin jost. >> i also will say, it's been a couple of days. the kid they got to play you really looks like a young colin jost. it's fantastic.
>> i will take it. >> seth: i would've said, i thought he looked like a young colin jost until i saw the video evidence. >> yeah, he needs like a wayworth suit. a floral tie. >> seth: graham phillips. he's heart broken to see the the dude he's actually playing. >> it's like his eyebrows are separated. why would you do that. >> seth: congrats on the movie. thank you so much for being here, buddy. >> oh my gosh, please. [ cheers and applause ] >> seth: give it up for "staten island summer" is available for streaming on netflix today. comedian michael kosta. [ cheers and applause ] music playing throughout
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[ cheers and applause ] >> seth: our next guest is a very funny comedian and the host of the new series called "the comment section," which premieres friday, august 7th on e! please welcome to the show michael kosta. [ cheers and applause ] >> thank you. thank you, seth, thank you, colin. thanks everybody. my name is michael kosta. that is my name. michael, it's a boring name.
isn't it? everyone is named michael. whenever i call anybody not from my cell phone, i have to say exactly how they know me. i'm always like, "hello, it's michael." and they're like, "michael? michael --?" "michael kosta, your brother." [ laughter ] i'm the youngest in my family. my family goes like this -- john, christy, todd, michael. i mean, how white upper middle class. [ laughter ] my parents are john and jan. [ laughter ] we have two golden retrievers! [ applause ] so much love in my family. we didn't celebrate just a birthday, we did a half-birthday as well. that's how much love. every kid got also got a half birthday. and my parents would give you half a cake on your half mom was throwing away half of a perfectly good cake. [ laughter ] and the family would sing you the "happy half-birthday" song.
happy half birthday to you happy half birthday to you [ laughter ] that's all they said. [ applause ] thank you. i love birthdays. i love birthday parties. here is what i do at birthday parties. i sit in the back. and as the birthday boy or girl opens gifts, i google the gift and then i yell out the price of that gift. [ laughter ] that's my gift to them. and my dad just had his 70th birthday and my mom bought my dad the iphone 6 for his 70th birthday. great idea, jan! my dad can't work a garage door opener -- [ laughter ] and now he has a $700 phone. and he knows it's $700 because that's what i yelled out when he unwrapped it. [ laughter and applause ] thanks. my dad is awesome. my dad is here tonight actually. when my dad was 65 he had heart problems.
and instead of having heart surgery, he decided to become a vegan and he reversed his heart disease through veganism. it's totally crazy. so now, out of support of him i'm a vegan as well. thank you very much. i do, though, eat meat -- --and dairy, but those are my cheats. and it's really not that hard of a diet. if you're thinking about becoming vegan, i recommend this. take your vegan food and just dip it in a nonvegan food. like a cheese or a ranch or a milkshake or a pork chop. the easiest way to be a vegan is if you make your vegan dish and then leave it there and eat a nonvegan dish. and i feel great. and it's not that hard. i think it's not that hard. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] you guys are great. you guys are awesome. i have a friend named jim smith. that's his name. right? what a stupid name. jim smith. and he had a destination
wedding. ohh, destination wedding. if you're getting ready for a destination wedding, here is how you do that. go to the bank, take out all your money and throw it in a trash can. that's how you get ready for a destination wedding. so he's from michigan. his wife is from michigan. all of his family and friends are from michigan. so they decide to get married in venezuela. makes perfect sense. and we go, and i pay for the flight and six nights hotel, and he calls me last month, guess who is getting a divorce? [ audience ohs ] jim smith, getting a divorce. and when he told me, know what i said? i said, "no, you're not." [ laughter ] "you better figure that crap out because i'm still paying off your stupid wedding, jim smith." and i bought -- [ applause ] thank you. i bought his gift online, right? so i used my credit card online, which i hate. because you fill out all your address. then it asks you what country you're from, and afghanistan is the first option. [ blowing raspberry ]
[ laughter ] oh, yeah. are a lot of afghanistananians using their american express at crate&barrel.com right now? why the hell isn't united states of america first when shopping online? if you're from a different country, that's fine, but you have to scroll all the way to the bottom. why are we scrolling to the bottom? look, we can be first, japan can be second. it's their software that's running this whole thing. [ light laughter ] and then after that, i just want a list of countries. but not alphabetical, i want it random. so they have to search for themselves. canada, zimbabwe, finland, and every ten seconds i want that to regenerate. [ laughter ] we're scrolling to the bottom. united states. try it, click, that you're from afghanistan. see what happens. doesn't even work. error message, cannot compute. you guys, thank you very much. i really appreciate you having me. [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you, 8g band. thank you, seth. >> seth: michael kosta, everybody! that was great. @michaelkosta. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ]
world famous kroq studios here in los angeles. great spot to be in. the troubadour. the spotlight tonight is "silicon valley" actress, amanda crew. and right now we welcome the star of "kill me three times," and "cut bank" here's taresa palmer now from finn enjoy. >> i was on set with my husband and i remember we got in this conversation i was like "when are we getting engaged? like when is this gonna happen?" sure enough i found myself in the bathroom getting changed getting ready to shoot the first scene of the movie, and he gets down on one knee and i'm like, "is this happening?" we're in a athroom, there's a and mark's like, "everyone get out, get out!" he like, locked the door and he was like, "will you marry me?" i was like, "here? you're doing this now?" i'm teresa palmer and i'm here times" "cut bank" and "the ever
after." >> i'm never by myself, yet i always feel alone. >> falling in love is pretty eaacsy, being in love is a little more difficult. >> i feel like a child, man. i've been acting like a boy. >> choose to have self control, make that choice. >> i panic nd i can't bre the, and then i see things that are probably not even there. >> so i'm really excited about the project that i did with my husband, called "the ever after." it is our little c eative baby, because it really just came from us. we wrote the film together, we both produced it, we star in it, he direc it. financed it. we really liked the idea of getting into the nitty gritty